3 Year Anniversary of Realizing my Life was a Lie

Today is a 3 year anniversary for me. It is the day that my life completely changed and I realized that everything I thought was true was a lie.

I have never spoken and written about this day publicly before, but in an effort to stop over concealing this “box of darkness” I unwantedly received I decided to share something now.

It was March 14th, the day before his birthday, and I received his email. “This isn’t the end, but rather a different chapter.”

I want this to be clear. It’s not about relationships ending, of course they do. That’s the cycle of life. Everything has an expiration date, even Us. Our lives are impermanent.

I have no resistance to this.

It is not the problem.

The challenge has been how the expiration was revealed. To receive an email from my beloved partner after so many years together, while he was in Paris ready to celebrate his birthday with the other woman, was impersonal and insensitive to say the least.

Shock and sadness ensued.
I had NO idea.
I woke up happy and laughed and made him laugh within the first 60 seconds of each day. I went to sleep well kissed and smiling.

We had a beautiful life.

The unraveling of what was concealed took a few months. The “Other Woman” who he cheated on me with for over a year is lovely from what I know. I even tried to friend her on Facebook “Before” I knew she was replacing me.

There I said it, I was cheated on (twice by him). I have carried that shame for 3 years. I couldn’t believe that what I thought was true was untrue. I felt not just betrayed but like an idiot for believing lies for so long.

I had given up everything to live together in Seattle. I sold my yoga studio, and left my friends and Family. I risked it all for love.

Maybe unconsciously I saw the signs, his changing his passwords on his computer, never leaving his phone lying around, even taking it into the bathroom with him at home. Unreturned calls at odd hours, strange credit card charges.

I had PURE TRUST and unconditional love.

The sadness was so much about the way this was handled without grace after so many years together. The urgency to send me an email so he could be with her more openly in Paris March 15, 2015 celebrating his birthday. And there was the betrayal I felt from trusting those of his friends and co-workers that knew about her and lied for him, while still coming to our home to eat, drink and be merry.

On this day I lost trust in humans.

I lost trust in myself for having let this happen.

And every single day since then, for 3 years, I have been working to rebuild trust. I’ve done the self-work, I’ve met with healers, shamans, cut the chords, healed the energy vibration, talked to therapist, journaled, meditated, cried, chanted, sold my house and went to live on the other side of the world to heal.

One of the hardest parts has been that I felt like I would be judged if you knew someone as smart and spiritual as I am could be so fooled. I thought you would lose respect for me. I was afraid. I didn’t know who or how to trust so I struggled with this by myself. It was the loneliest time of my life.

His betrayal broke me.

I had anxiety attacks. I couldn’t breathe. I got very sick.

My body started shutting down. I got so ill I ended up in the hospital. I felt grey.

I had to stop teaching.

And for months His long time concealing kept being revealed. I didn’t want to know more.

But life goes on, I don’t know how I got up but I did.
I give all credit to our Creator. My faith in Spirit saved me.
I was born again happy.

Within 11 months they gave birth to their first baby and were married. And in the end, love is love.

It chooses us.

All I hope for her is that she can trust him.

I continue my own journey of learning how to trust again. I am to this day still Healing.

I stay soft and keep expanding.

And I never ever stop believing in true love.

 

Revealing more than Concealing to Rebuild Trust

In Emily Perry’s class today we were invoking Shiva, stoking the remembrance of concealing and revealing. I’ve been in deep contemplation about the issue of trust and my biggest wounding in this area. Asking myself how has this impacted my own concealing and revealing.

Recently in conscious relationship I came to realize how much of my own work requires I go deeper in revealing, otherwise emotional intimacy is impacted. It’s just not that simple because I don’t trust others very easily to hold space for my vulnerability, pain, or fear.

I hold back because I’ve so dearly struggled with feeling safe (and with good reason after an abusive marriage). My PTSD can easily get triggered if I feel like there is any potential worry for mistrust. The resistance to revealing also comes as a result of betrayals from abandonment when I’ve needed help the most, like when I was recovering from TBI.

The paradox is that I hold space easily. There is nothing you can’t say to me that I won’t hold and honor with total acceptance and unconditional love.

I just find it difficult to believe that someone will do that for me.

I am deeply grateful for the blessing of this relationship and how it shifts my consciousness to another new level of awareness. And with time, little by little I am rebuilding trust.

This is my most important transformation.